PAUL BRENNAN'S Blog A humourous blog including quotations, comment, cartoons, articles, jokes about life, law and lawyers. Material on this site (unless otherwise stated) is (c)paul.brennan@brennanlaw.com.au. All rights reserved. Click here to make a comment or go to the new “Law & Disorder”Group on FaceBook. Join Facebook here. ACHIVE 2007 Thursday 20 December 2007 Never take less than a guinea for doing anything, nor less than half a one for doing nothing. Among lawyers, moderation would be infamy. Jeremy Bentham 18th Century describing another lawyers attitude to law.
Tuesday 18 December 2007 There's no better way of using the imagination than the study of law. No poet ever interpreted nature as freely as a lawyer interprets truth. Jean Giraudoux translator Christopher Fry Monday 17 December 2007 RAGE IS ALL THE RAGE
With the advent of “boxasize”the traditional ladylike slap on the face is being replaced by the right hook.
This week, I was backing into a public car parking space. A lady driver beeped her horn and when I stopped to let her pass, cut into the (my) space.
At first, she explained she was in a hurry and needed the space, then that she saw it first, then that I was a dickhead (I do not know how she worked that out). She was a lady in her 40s with that scary blond, gym user look. Alarmingly, she then said “get out of my face”in that tone the police use before they apply the Taser.
A nearby crowd of people waiting at a bus stop outraged at her actions began shouting at her to move her car.
My wife attempted to reason with her. “Are you going to try and hit me?”she hopefully replied to which my wife responded “No, you are in bad enough shape as it is”(she always gets the best lines).
“Outgunned”she drove off and victory was ours.
Road rage, trolley rage and all sorts of other rage is becoming well…all the rage. One supermarket incident ended with a customer being hit with a flying frozen turkey.
But there are those who take advantage of peoples’propensity to be “wound up”and use provocation to win disputes aided by the system.
In these politically correct times the police are less likely to take a view and let people off with a warning. People can end up in court over something as petty as a car parking space dispute if they do not keep their cool.
If you are a crazed individual with a short fuse and a criminal record then go for it. But for ordinary people confrontation with strangers is best avoided as you can no longer be sure of their reaction. A lone gunman who recently opened fire in a US church was immediately and unexpectedly shot dead. Incredibly, God was given credit for the kill (sic). Statistically there are more loonies alive today than ever before, or at least it seems that way.
Now, it is acceptable for security guards emboldened by the terrorist threat to resort to physical violence to resolve disturbances rather than urge moderation. I recently intervened when I saw a flight attendant bait an irate passenger with the clear intention of calling security to have her dragged away in those plastic handcuffs.
As a lawyer my job is to advise clients to walk away from potential legal issues. In retrospect, would it not have been better for me to avoid the dispute all together and drive on? Well, certainly yes, but only over her dead body. Friday 14 December 2007 By
all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If
you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. Ed note: I think he would apply that to husbands, partners and accountants these days. Thursday 13 December 2007 The trouble with law is lawyers. Clarence Darrow
Wednesday 12 December 2007 If every body left the bulk of their estate to their lawyers, a lot of time would be saved. Anon Tuesday 11 December 2007 The most enlightened judicial policy is to let people manage their own business in their own way. Judge Oliver Wendell Holmes (1911) Ed note: I could have told him that wouldn’t catch on. Monday 10 December 2007 There are very few grave questions (of law) in a poor (mans) estate. E W Howe Wednesday 5 December 2007 Two lions eating a clown. One says to the other. “Does this taste funny to you?” Tuesday 4 December 2007 Click here to read and print out the "Law & Disorder" Ezine for December. Friday 30 November 2007 Rainy day in Mooloolaba Some lawyers are arrogant but really however important you may think you are, as Gene Perrett said "the number of people at your funeral is probably dictated by the weather". That is probably why there are so many of us lawyers in Queensland. An extract from “The Legal Guide to Dying”to be written on this blog and published next year. So hang on (more below).
Tuesday 27 November 2007 There is no man so good, who, were he to submit all his thoughts and actions to the laws would not deserve hanging tem times in his life. Michel Eyquem de Montaigne
Monday 26 November 2007 While lawyers have been vilified and treated with suspicion over the centuries other professions have simply got away with it. For instance, Mao tse-tung, Casanova and J.Edgar Hover were all librarians.
http://www.101reasonstokillallthelawyers.com/ is a new cartoon and commentary blog examining the reasons why lawyers can be unpopular and giving your readers the chance to comment on whether or not I am getting close.
For a time at every speaking engagement I asked: "Who thinks the law is an ass and lawyers are not much better?". Time after time about 50% of the people in the room would put up their hands.
Some of you may be surprised that it was "Only 50%?". However, this response disturbed me until I worked out a solution. I stopped asking the question.
But now, I have decided to have a poll on the new "101 Reasons" blog to ask "Is the law an ass?".
Visitors to the site can vote and comment on the first few of the intended 101 reasons each accompanied with a cartoon and comment. The new blog shall be launched in the Law & Disorder Ezine on 1 November 2007 which has a 2,500 international circulation. Saturday 24 November 2007 Thomas Middleton said "Who loves law, dies either mad or poor". But why wait? With a bit of persistence on your part, legal problems can strip you of your wealth and drive you mad at warp speed. Paul
Brennan Friday 23 November 2007 Avoid
law suits beyond all things; they influence your conscience,
impair your health, and dissipate your property. Thursday 22 November 2007 The Law of England is the greatest grievance of the nation. Bishop Gilbert Burnett Wednesday 21 November 2007 Amid pictures of Pakistani police baton-charging lawyers wearing suits the Economist reports that many of those arrested of a certain class may have friends to help them “wriggle out of trouble”. It reports a scene outside the Supreme Court in Islamabad where a small crowd of lawyers, “including several well groomed women wearing expensive sunglasses, took turns to bundle into the back of a police van. From there they flashed victory salutes to assembled photographers”. Would the lawyers of Mooloolaba be prepared to man the barricades and resist a police charge? Well, we would all need new suits, first. Monday 19 November 2007 Q. I am a young criminal lawyer. Custom dictates that after I lose a case I go down and visit my client in the cells. Although, I would regard myself as a fairly able conversationalist it is difficult to know the right thing to say. I am reluctant to say “sorry”. A. Small talk such as “What are you doing for your holidays?”or “Nice weather outside”is inappropriate. Avoid sage advice such as “If you can’t do the time, don’t do the crime”as it could lead to a violent reaction. If an appeal is mentioned say that you will consider it however hopeless it may be. Saying “This is regrettable”is preferable to “Sorry”as the latter could be interpreted as an admission that it was your fault and could be cited in an appeal. On leaving, a simple “Good bye”is best rather than “Cheerio”, “Call me”or “we must do lunch sometime”. Extract from John Fytit’s International Legal Problem Page (see more below) Saturday 17 November 2007 The worst thing in this world, next to anarchy, is government Henry Ward Beecher Ed note: Predicted before Labour won the 2007 election and Australia elected the first Prime Minister in history called Kevin. Friday 16 November 2007 The case has been going on so long I have forgotten whether I am innocent or guilty. Ashleigh Brilliant
Thursday 15 November 2007 Extract from the Law Report on ABC Radio "The law society will not allow lawyers to sleep with their clients. They do want to allow a client to be charged twice for the same service". Wednesday 14 November 2007 If it weren’t for my lawyer I would still be in prison. It went a lot faster with two of us digging. Mister Boffo Tuesday 13 November 2007 Jaw, jaw may be better than law, law but where’s the fun in that? Paul Brennan Monday 12 November 2007 Click here to view a new blog http://www.101reasonstokillallthelawyers.com/ for legal cartoons and comment.
Saturday 10 November 2007 The Bible says “Law is not for the righteous, but for the lawless, disobedient, ungodly, unholy, profane”. Despite this a career in the law does have appeal. Extract from John Fytit’s Legal Career Advice Column (written on the blog) Thursday 8 November 2007 Lawyers: Those who earn a living by the sweat of their brow-beating. James Huneker Tuesday 6 November 2007 Why do they always have to baton charge the lawyers? Why don't these dictators just stick to monks? Monday 5 November 2007 Blessed is he who expects no gratitude, for he shall not be disappointed. WC Bennett Saturday 3 November 2007 Never to plead what you need not, lest you oblige yourself to prove what you cannot. Abraham Lincoln Friday 2 November 2007 Law & Disorder Ezine November 2007 issue Thursday 1 November 2007 The devil is an optomist if he thinks he can make people meaner. Harry Zohn
Wednesday 31 October 2007 A pessimist is someone who, if he is in the bath will not get out to answer the telephone. Quentin Crisp Tuesday 30 October 2007 To attack a man who is taking nonsense is like finding your mortal enemy drowning in a swamp and jumping in after him with a knife. Sir Karl Popper
Monday 29 October 2007 No good deed goes unpunished. Oscar Wilde Friday 26 October 2007 We are all guilty of a crime, the crime of not living life to the full. Henry Miller Thursday 25 October 2007 The continuing controversy over capital punishment is very unfair to anyone contemplating murder. Lord Fisher Wednesday 24 October 2007 Experience helps you to recognise a legal mistake the 2nd time around usually only after you have made it again. Paul Brennan Monday 22 October 2007 The good news is that Jesus is coming back. The bad news is that he is really pissed off. Bob Hope Sunday 21 October 2007
A leading Australian law firm has decided to change its name from Bake Dawson Waldron ("BDW") to Blake Dawson. However as you may know Blake Dawson is the name of a porn star. Law firms, porn stars and fiancées (for that matter) may wish to make a Google search before considering any change of name to avoid any potential embarrassment or confusion.
Friday 19 October 2007 Saints are all right in Heaven, but they're hell on Earth. Cardinal
Cushing
The
Shadow Attorney General Mark McArdle MP will launch in Queensland
the new Audio CD and
eBook “THE 10 GREATEST LEGAL MISTAKES IN BUSINESS…and
how to avoid them”at The Business Referral Club, which meets
at Headland Park Golf Club at 7am on 25 October 2007. For more
information and to book contact Laura
Pound. Click here for more about the 10 Greatest Legal Mistakes
Tuesday 16 October 2007 A study by Flinders University which concluded that Australian Judges are happy has been met with disbelieve in some quarters. "They could of fooled us" said one lawyer who wished to remain anonymous. One judge’s wife suggested that Professors Kathy Mack and Sharyn Roach (the authors of the study) should try living with them.
Monday 15 October 2007 It's tough. But that's life. Jean Bedel Bokassa (watching his troops beat three convicts to death). Saturday 13 October 2007 Law school taught me one thing: how to take two situations that are exactly the same and show how they are different. Hart Pomerantz Friday 12 October 2007 Malcolm X said "Be peaceful, be courteous, obey the law, respect everyone; but if someone puts his hand on you, send him to the cemetery". This has always worked for the Mafia even if it did not work so well for Malcolm. Thursday 11 October 2007 Confucius said "It is in the law of nature that woman should be held under the dominance of man". This does not seem to be the case in Queensland. Wednesday 10 October 2007 Lonely Hearts
(Extract from "The International Legal Problem Page" where lawyer John Fytit solves your legal problems-more below).
Tuesday 9 October 2007 The 10 Greatest Legal Mistakes in Busines....and how to avoid them. Monday 8 October 2007 Carl Jung's opinion was that the population has 20% neurotics and 20% psychotics. Therefore 60% of us (or maybe you) are OK. Does that sound a bit high? Saturday 6 October 2007 Martin Luthur King " The law cannot make a man love me, but it can keep him from lynching me". Most magistrates feel the same way. Friday 5 October 2007 John Fytit's "Da Lawyer Code"
John will be writing the Da Lawyer Code in this blog on this blog. If you have any suggestions please send in a comment. Thursday 4 October 2007 A man has been arrested for the 5th time selling pills claiming that they give eternal life. His first arrest was in 1530, second in 1645......... Wednesday 3 October 2007 Lawyer initiative to improve communication using new "Hands Free" mobile phone.
Tuesday 2 October 2007 Click here to read the October "Law & Disorder" Ezine Monday 1 October 2007
Saturday 29 September 2007 I'm meditating another lawsuit and looking around for a defendant. Mark Twain Friday 28 September 2007 In an article
by David
Wilson in My Small Business section (24 September 2007) of smh.com.au on
partnership disputes called The Art of War he refers to me
as follows " He himself manages to stay on good
terms with his business partner, who is his wife, thanks to a
shared commitment to the approach recommended by the American
comedian Phyllis Diller. "We do not go to bed mad, we stay up
and fight." In fact not a day goes past in my house without someone saying "that's going in the affidavit". A good reason to marry an accountant. Thursday 27 September 2007 Mark Twain said “Against the assault of laughter nothing can stand”. This does not seem to apply to judges and magistrates so keep it funereal for the best results.Wednesday 26 September 2007 I do not care to speak ill of any man but I believe this person to be an attorney. Samuel JohnsonTuesday 25 September 2007 Scruffy lawyer Q. My lawyer is so scruffy that I am ashamed to be seen with him in court. I am worried that the other lawyers look down on him. What can I do to make him more presentable? A. I for one believe that there is no excuse even for inept lawyers not to look their best when in the company of clients. It is the least they can do. Standard of dress is something that judges look for in addition to legal argument. I have seen cases lost for the want of a trouser press. Tell him that you do not expect Beau Brummel but to get a grip. J.F. (Extract from "The International Legal Problem Page" where lawyer John Fytit solves your legal problems-more below). Monday 24 September 2007 When Sir Thomas More wrote "Utopia" he deliberately left lawyers out. However there were no financial planners, accountants or bankers either.
Saturday 22 September 2007 Last week, I attended a speech by one of Australia's leading speakers, Martin Grunstein. He said that lawyers were all very arrogant and never returned phone calls. I take exception to the word "very". We can't all be arrogant. In fact, I remember that there is a lawyer in Brisbane who isn't, so that's one. His theory is that businesses sell hope. Customers retain plumbers and electricians as they hope that they will solve their particular problem (but of course, not on a Sunday). In the case of lawyers it seems to mean that we sell to clients the hope that we will return their calls. Thursday 20 September 2007 It
is the trade of lawyers to question everything, yield nothing,
and to talk by the hour.
Wednesday 19 September 2007 Sliding down the razor blade of life. Tom Lehrer http://www.blogcatalog.com/directory/law-legal Tuesday 18 September 2007 When you have no basis for an argument, abuse
the plaintiff. Monday 17 September 2007
Q. I am married to a lawyer and he is very boring. Is it true that old lawyers never die they just lose their appeal? Lawyer’s wife of Mooloolaba. Australia. A. Being married to a lawyer myself for 25 years I can confirm that they are exceedingly dull but like an old Labrador very clubbable.
Consider yourself lucky that he can’t count or you may have ended up married to an accountant or banker.
J.F.
(Extract from "The International Legal Problem Page" blog where lawyer John Fytit solves your legal problems). Saturday 15 September 2007 The AFR reports that the Australian Law Reform Commission inquiry on privacy has been swamped with complaints. In one case parishioners were told that they could not pray for a sick member of their church as it would breach the Privacy Act. Is it time for people to select the level of privacy that they require? There could be three levels: Cavalier-this would be what most people would consider normal. Balls aching- which is what passes for normal these days. Obsessive ridiculous- for privacy zealots. All bank employees and anyone who works in a call centre would have their personal category defaulted to “Obsessive Ridiculous”until they attended a "Doublethink" re-education course.
Friday 14 September 2007 Judge - A law student who marks his own examination papers. H.L. Hencken Thursday 13 September 2007 The
illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a little
longer. Wednesday 12 September 2007 A lie can be halfway round the world before the truth has got its pants on. Winston Churchill Tuesday 11 September 2007 The Spectator reports that in 1958 a Disney wildlife film crew wanted to shot lemmings jumping off cliffs into the sea to their deaths. As they were in Alberta where there was no sea, no cliffs and no lemmings they needed to be inventive. Especially, as Lemmings do not commit suicide in this way. It is a myth. They imported a lemming who was filmed being thrown into a river. The lemming duly drowned. At one time almost every criminal case the police would give evidence that the criminal admitted the offence. Which was very helpful in a guilty plea but not so helpful in the, I know unlikely, event that the defendant didn’t do it. We have now discovered that alleged criminals rarely admit the crime it is a myth. For the most part, juries have stopped believing police “verbals”. Monday 10 September 2007 Criminal cases are fraught with people jumping to conclusions and guilt by association. 'Twas an evening in November, Yes I lay there in the gutter
Saturday 8 September 2007
Brennans five tips to resolve your legal dispute
Friday 7 September 2007 Lawyers have been known to wrest from reluctant juries triumphant verdicts of acquittal for their clients, even when those clients, as often happens, were clearly and unmistakably innocent. Oscar Wilde Thursday 6 September 2007 I
was never ruined but twice: once when I lost a lawsuit, and
once when I won one. Wednesday 5 September 2007 Once, I received an urgent request for a will appointment, made by the friend of a person who did not have long to go. Lawyers will move very quickly in these circumstances as they can be sued by the beneficiaries that lose out, if they delay. He came to my office that day. I drafted the will while he waited. About one month later I saw him at a bus stop. Eventually he did die but not before I met him several times in the street. Each time he gave me an embarrassed “still here”look. It is best not to let your well meaning friends book your legal appointments unless you can be sure of the doing the right thing and dying expeditiously. (An extract from “The Legal Guide to Dying”to be published by Paul Brennan)
Tuesday 4 September 2007 Lawyers in NY want to charge $1000 per hour. I was once turned down by a client because he had to make a $2.00 contribution for his legal aid application. In view of the cost he decided to go it alone without me. I hope these NY city slickers have thought this through.
Monday 3 September 2007 Click here for the Law & Disorder Ezine September issue This month it includes: Wicked Stepdads Helpful legal hints for your employees and sign up for the Ezine (above). Saturday 1 September 2007 "I never met a litigator who did not think that he was winning the case right up to the moment when the guillotine came down". William Baxter Friday 31 August 2007 "If
you laid all of our laws end to end, there would be no end". Thursday 30 August 2007 “If you first don’t succeed quit there is no point in being a damn fool about it”. WC Fields Wednesday 29 August 2007 The legal system is often a mystery, and we, its priests, preside over rituals baffling to everyday citizens Henry Miller Tuesday 28 August 2007
"One
must have a heart of stone to read the death of little nell
without laughing." Oscar Wilde
Monday 27 August 2007 In 1806 in the UK, 24 men were arrested for sodomy including a lawyer and a waiter. They told the court that homosexuality was rife accross all the classes. The Magistrates felt that to further investigate and uncover the behavior might encourage others. So they executed 5 of the men and moved on. Saturday 25 August 2007 To continue our famous lawyers in history series we remember Henry VIII’s lawyer Richard Rich who burnt heretics and participated in the dissolution of the Monasteries. He was recently voted History Magazine’s “Worse Briton”of the 16th century. Well done Richard. Who were the notorious accountant’s of history? Apart from your own that is. Friday 24 August 2007 The first No Smoking ban, if you do not include burning witches at the stake, was introduced in Nazi Germany-hospitals, military installations, post offices. When Hitler committed suicide his staff’s first act was un derstandably to light up. This month I was a speaker at a Club Managers Association Conference. My instructions said “Please nothing on the new No Smoking legislation”. Some lucky lawyer had obviously got in before me-story of my life.
Thursday 23 August 2007 Never forget everything Hitler did in Germany was legal. Martin Luther King Wednesday 22 August 2007 A 93 year old client was a solicitor before he joined the Navy and eventually became a rear admiral. In his day, he told me most wills were handwritten. When I started wills were typed. They had to be word perfect or the secretary had to start again. Even when they did produce a perfect will often as an articled clerk I found one or two words that did not seem quite right. He can trace his ancestry back to Alfred the Great. The only one who has a chance to match that in my house is my Labrador. Tuesday 21 August 2007 Kevin Rudd's visit to a strip club in NY and his excuse that he was drunk would not work in a lot of other places. New Victorian Premier John Brumby suggests strip clubs were the only reason people visited Sydney. We proudly act for a local strip Club call "Electrik Blue". When it opened in it was called "Bad Girls". The Club was very close to the local Church. The Priest organised his lady parishioners to sit outside on the opening night in a bus with the sign "Good Girls". There
was a story about Pope Paul visiting NY and being asked by a
journalist at the airport would he be visiting any Strip Clubs
when he was in NY. The Pope asked if there were any Strip
Clubs in NY. Next day in the papers the headline was "Pope
asks Are there any Strip Clubs in NY?". Monday 20 August 2007 A lawyer is never entirely
comfortable with a friendly divorce, anymore than a good mortician
wants to finish his job and then have the patient sit up on the
table. Jean Kerr Saturday 18 August 2007 THE COPPER WITH THE GOLDEN CHOPPER WARNING: This case has sexually explicit references. If such references distress you then stop here. However if you are prepared to put up with the sordid in the pursuit of legal knowledge then read on. If people are accused of a crime the obvious question to ask is “Did they do it?”except, of course, for judges. The obvious question for a judge to ask is “Can the prosecution prove guilt beyond reasonable doubt?” If not, then the judge will let you go whether you did it or not. This is an important legal distinction especially for criminals. As a lawyer in Hong Kong I acted for a lady who was either the Madam of a brothel or was sadly and repeatedly let down by the behaviour of her female employees. What goes on in Chinese brothels? Here’s what the Prosecution said happened. The gentleman is shown into a cubicle with a curtain at the doorway by the Madam. There he sits in a barbers chair fully clothed facing the wall. A lady comes in and massages him. Both remain fully clothed. At the end of 30 minutes or longer she conducts a procedure which the Chinese call “flying the aeroplane”i.e. masturbation. Some of you will say that this is not a brothel at all but a massage parlour. Whatever! Anyway you get the idea. In this case my client’s customer turned out to be an undercover Chinese police officer. There followed a raid where my client was arrested and charged with being a Madam. The question that the Kowloon Magistrate had to decide was not “Did she do it?”but could the Prosecution prove it. Imagine you are a Hong Kong policeman. You have arrested the Madam but you cannot prove that she knew what was going on. Do you (a) let her cheat justice or (b) invent the Madam delivering a toilet roll into the cubicle at the crucial moment; giving her a bird’s eye view? In cross examination the undercover policeman maintained that he did stand to attention (as it were) but it was in the course of duty and at no time did he become excited sexually or otherwise. At the crucial moment demonstrating dedication and complete professionalism he was still able to clearly identify my client’s fleeting appearance in the cubicle clutching a toilet roll. I didn’t call my client to give evidence and the Magistrate dismissed the case as he did not believe the policeman. Was the policeman lying? Unless a charge could be proven beyond reasonable doubt once the defendant is acquitted lawyers tend not to dwell on it. There were certain parts of the policeman’s evidence which strained credibility. Is a Chinese policeman’s training such that he can maintain a dead pan, inscrutable Confucian expression during take off and landing? Unlikely but impressive if true. Have Chinese brothels developed a covert “Just in time”delivery system for toilet rolls? Do Madams disturb their clientele by leaping into cubicles clutching toilet rolls during mid flight? Answer: Not if they want any repeat business. In the past many policemen neatly ended their evidence with the defendant admitting the crime. This practice known as “verballing”went out of style as juries and judges stopped believing this type of police evidence. Now some policeman may resort to visual aids e.g. toilet rolls to achieve a similar result. The point to be aware of is some policemen (a minority) may decide to add to the evidence against you to ensure your conviction. Not out of malice but just to tie up a few loose ends. Therefore if you are arrested you should stay stumm and call a lawyer as soon as possible. Victims of crime should not suppose that just because a defendant did it that he will be convicted. Evidence should be gathered and preserved however obvious the crime. So the alleged Madam got off and the policeman was not tried for perverting the course of justice. But the unsung hero here is the tax payer for funding all this. As one relieved Hong Kong taxpayer commented “And I thought they had been wasting my money all these years”. Friday 17 August 2007 ILH a group of law firms are finally floating on the stock exchange today after a false start last year. I drew this cartoon in the AFR last year. Slater and Gordon just pipped them to the post as the first firm.
Thurday 16 August 2007
Q. Does law offer a solution to Banks dealing with little old ladies? Some refuse point blank to pay back the money they owe to us. Some even dare us to do something about it. Trying to get them to honour their guarantees on their children’s misguided ventures is almost impossible. Worried banker. Wellington, NZ A. In case you haven’t noticed there is a love affair between judges and little old ladies-literally in some cases. Don’t turn to the courts. My advice-back off and wait for them to pass on. J.F. Extract from John Fytit's International Problem Page (more below) Wednesday 15 August 2007
In 1946 the Warner Brothers lawyers told the Marx Brothers not to release their movie under the name "A Night in Casablanca" as it was too similar to their hit movie title "Casablanca". Groucho Marx replied to the Warner Brothers’letter before action: “...You probably have the right to use the name Warner, but what about the name Brothers? Professionally, we were brothers long before you were. ….I am sure that the average movie fan could learn in time to distinguish between Ingrid Bergman and Harpo. I don’t know whether I could, but I certainly would like to try. …It wouldn’t surprise me at all to discover that the heads of your legal department are unaware of this absurd dispute.. I
have a hunch that his attempt to prevent us from using the title
is the brainchild of some ferret-faced shyster, serving a brief
apprenticeship in your legal department. I know the type well—hot
out of law school, hungry for success, and too ambitious to follow
the natural laws of promotion. Well, he won’t get away
with it! We’ll fight him to the highest court! No pasty-faced
legal adventurer is going to cause bad blood between the Warners
and the Marxes". Tuesday 14 August 2007 My 25th Wedding Anniversary. I think it was Phyllis Diller who said "Some of us get divorced and the rest of us fight it out to the bitter end". I said to one of my children this morning you have only had to do half.... we have had to the lot. Monday 13 August 2007 On the subject of my new audio CD with Business EssentialsThe Ten Greatest Legal Mistakes in Business and How to Avoid them I would like my children to note (see entry Saturday 21 July 2007) that not only is it being launched by AIM in Melbourne but Bob Ansett decribes it as “Good common sense advice on how to avoid costly mistakes”.
Saturday 11 August 2007 Judge: “Not guilty? Why?” Jury foreman: “Insanity” Judge: “All of you?” Friday 10 August 2007 A taxi driver went out of control when driving down a hill. He shouted “The brakes have failed”. The alarmed accountant passenger instinctively responded “Stop the meter”. Thursday 9 August 2007
Wednesday 8 August 2007 "Too many police-no liberty, too many soldiers-no peace, too many lawyers-no justice" Lin Yu Tang Tuesday 7 August 2007 The AG and We......
Peter told me that a recent report revealed that:
Yesterday my wife signed on to a self defence course and the first lesson was “Being throttled and how to avoid it”.
I am regretting the open plan kitchen. Monday 6 August 2007
Saturday 4 August 2007
He made a great speech which focused on terrorism. I wanted to ask (but didn’t) if he was concerned that other professionals such as lawyers and accountants may follow the lead of doctors and wage war on society. I suppose in a way we are already doing our bit. A few months ago I sold this Australian Financial Review cartoon and it was later presented to the AG. He told me that he put it up on his wall at home. As the cartoon depicts him as a vulture I think that makes him a very good sport.
Friday 3 August 2007
Thursday 2 August 2007 "I decided that the law was the direct opposite of sex-even when it was good it was still lousy"
Mortimer Zuckerman
Wednesday 1 August 2007 Click here to read August's "Law & Disorder" Ezine and here to sign up.
Tuesday 31 July 2007 "For some lawyers, posing is 9/10th of the law". Paul Brennan Monday 30 July 2007
Friday 27 July 2007 After a collision between a concrete mixer and a prison van today, the police are looking for 11 hardened criminals. The Two Ronnies Thursday 26 July 2007 If the Greek Courts decide to extradite Tony Mokbel, alleged drug baron, to Australia he will appeal to the European Court of Justice as he will not get a fair trial. His lawyer says politicians have made adverse press comments and the people of Victoria believe what their politicians say. If the people of Victoria really believe what their politicians say then this seems to be an excellent place for a defendant to select a jury. Wednesday 25 July 2007 Last night, I watched a documentary on a Florida court case about a 15 year old coloured boy who signed a murder confession after a police beating. It was not him. There was strong evidence that the police had picked up an innocent black kid and framed him. After he was acquitted the judge thanked the jury and said that the US Justice system was the best in the word. I do not know if he had any evidence to support that statement. Tuesday 24 July 2007 Justice is being allowed to do whatever I like. Injustice is whatever prevents my doing it. Samuel Butler Monday 23 July 2007 The
world of blogging, books and law and disorder The
Law is an Ass –Make
Sure It Doesn’t Bite Yours! (my second book) or, as
my receptionist at the time of the launch described it, The
Law is an Arse is distributed around Australia. If you are
ever in this position you will be tempted to place the book in
a more prominent position on the shelf –do it. Last week,
I happened to be in Dymocks in Sydney and on requesting my own
book (posing as a discerning reader) I was told “You are
in luck they are now 50 per cent off”. “Oh good”I
said. Paul Brennan Saturday 21 July 2007 I am making an audio CD with Business Essentials called The Ten Greatest Legal Mistakes in Business and How to Avoid them.
I decided to play a track to one of my children. Verdict: I can’t believe you made me sit through that. It was the same look that had I received from magistrates and judges over years. Friday 20 July 2007 "Lawyers are like nuclear weapons. I have them because everyone else has" Lawrence Garfield Thursday 19 July 2007 Last night I was watching a film on TV. When it got to the part where the husband told the wife he was leaving her for another woman, my 13 year old daughter shouted “Clear out the bank accounts”. This is just one of the benefits of having a mother who is a lawyer. Many clients do not know this until it is too late. Wednesday 18 July 2007 I once cross examined a lady who cried throughout. It would have made me feel a lot better if only she had waited for my first question before she started. Tuesday 17 July 2007 Brisbane Magistrate grants bail to Indian Doctor who is alleged to have recklessly supplied a terrorist organisation with a Sim card but is then detained as his visa is revoked I take it all back Magistrates do grant bail sometimes. Rather than the "We will have to kill you if we tell you the secret" argument, they could have tried the "It may start with sim cards but it could lead to ring tones and then where would we be?" argument.
Monday 16 July 2007 “Discourage litigation. Persuade your neighbors to compromise whenever you can. There will still be business enough”. Abraham Lincoln Saturday 14 July 2007 "I have never seen a situation so dismal
that a policeman couldn't make it worse".
Friday 13 July 2007 Judge Judy said “When does a gift become a loan? When the relationship ends”. My experience is that in the event of a dispute the sides separate into two teams holding views according to which side their bread is buttered. This is not deliberate lying; it just seems human nature. Thursday 12 July 2007 “Ignorance of the law excuses no man…………from practicing it”. Addison Mizner Wednesday 11 July 2007 I had a client who was arrested in possession of a snake. In cross-examination my final question to the police officer was “What happened to the snake?”. The policeman answered “He went quietly, Sir”. Tuesday 10 July 2007 Machiavelli said “All men are evil and will act accordingly when they have scope to do so”. He didn’t say anything about women. Monday 9 July 2007 I once interviewed a client about molesting a sheep. I was a law student on work experience at a law firm. After hearing his story I found myself saying that there did not seem to be much evidence to which he replied “Well, I did have my flies open”. I remember those words as a tape recording of the interview was played at the pub that evening after work. It was a hoax. Very funny.
Saturday 7 July 2007 Funny Toronto lawyer Marcel Strigberger recalls one client “She never smiled, she never laughed, even though I would try. But after we won the custody motion, she turned and said to me: ‘I noticed your fly was down. Is that part of your presentation?’”. Ed note: Some lawyers spend half their career with their flys down and no one notices. For more about Marcel and his son Daniel go to their site www.legalhumour.com. Friday 6 July 2007 “For certain people after 50 litigation takes the place of sex”. Gore Vidal Thursday 5 July 2007
Wednesday 4 July 2007 Do
you know what to do if you are arrested? Find out in this one
minute video clip the latest in our One Minute Law Series. Especially
useful for Doctors. click to find out what to do if you are arrested Tuesday 3 July 2007 If I had but one life to give for my country it would be a lawyer’s. Anon. Monday 2 July 2007 Defendant: I don’t recognize this court. Judge: Why not? Defendant: You’ve had it decorated. Morecambe and Wise Saturday 30 June 2007 At midnight on 30 June 1997 I was standing in Central, Hong Kong (HK) with my wife, Diane.
The weather was miserable, it was raining. Except for the temporary stadium nearby hosting the farewell for Chris Patten with Prince Charles in attendance, the streets were empty. Either there was something good on TV or the local Chinese had decided it was not a good idea to be seen taking to the streets.
In 1990, when we arrived in Hong Kong the local Chinese were clamouring for overseas passports (moving their families overseas to achieve residency status). Large crowds demonstrated angrily about democracy and June 4th. Confidence in the economy was low. There were bank runs. As the decade moved on confidence was restored and there was frenzy on the stock and property markets,
The power visibly shifted from London to local wealthy Chinese and then to Beijing. By 1997 there was an air of acceptance, local Chinese had rediscovered their mainland roots, and everyone seemed to have a Mainland cousin. The order of the day seemed to be to keep their heads down and maintain business as usual.
People worried about the mainland bringing lawlessness to Hong Kong.
One lunchtime, I heard bullets being exchanged in a running gunfight between mainland robbers of a gold shop and the HK police on the streets of Central. The HK police soon discovered that ex PLA (People’s Liberation Army) soldiers had been recruited by local Triads to carry out gold shop robberies in Central. It is rumoured that the Triads were told to knock it off. The robberies stopped.
A few months before the handover PLA troops had been stationed in Hong Kong. They were paid very little and people were concerned that they would get into mischief, as soldiers do. In fact they were locked inside their Central barracks and did not seem to be allowed out.
The Basic Law was implemented and Human Rights legislation was introduced. However Beijing was to call the shots in Legco (HK’s parliament). As the handover came near supporters of the Mainland government surfaced, becoming vocal and dominant. The parties supporting democracy under Martin Lee became beleaguered.
Chris Patten advocated democracy for the HK people a little bit too rigourously and Beijing dubbed him a “prostitute”and a “man of eternal guilt”. I am sure he has been called worse.
It was against this background that on 19 June 1999 Diane and I sat in Legco for the Last Question Time of Chris Patten. Some Pro-Beijing councilors were openly hostile towards him asking questions such as was he ashamed of what he had been doing.
Chris Patten gave the most brilliant of performances. He wiped the floor with hostile questioners. Everyone else enjoyed the event immensely. We were all aware that this was an historic occasion.
So that is how I found myself in Central at midnight on 30 June 1999 singing “Rule Britannia”. It seemed the right thing to do. A few people joined in. Others watched on in silence.
We then walked to the harbour and watched Chris Patten sail away on the Britannia its light ablaze.
On our way to the harbour we chatted to a HK Chinese policeman. He gave us a button from his uniform; the crown was not required anymore. Friday 29 June 2007 A famous store detective once said he had seen many people so confused that they left the store without paying but not one so confused that they had paid twice. Thursday 28 June 2007 In the UK village where I once lived the local vicar was raided and arrested for having child porn on his computer.
This was the biggest story to hit the village since its entry in the Doomsday Book. The local newspaper excitedly produced a sensation front page story with a large photograph of the wrong vicar. Not even Job has to put up with that sort of thing. Wednesday 27 June 2007 I once represented a client who refused to supply a sample of breath in a drink drive case as he had an upset stomach. The Diarrhoea Defence-best before lunch. Tuesday 26 June 2007
Beaver Letters Letter
by the Michigan Department of Environmental Quality regarding the
unauthorized construction of two dams on a property.December 17, 1997 Dear Mr. DeVries: SUBJECT: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023-1 T11N, R10W, Sec. 20, Montcalm County It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity: Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond. A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity. A review of the Department's files show that no permits have been issued. Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, ... being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws annotated. The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris dams and flooding at downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all unauthorized activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the strewn channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31, 1998. Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff. Failure to comply with this request, or any further unauthorized activity on the site, may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action. We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter. Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions. Sincerely, David L. Price District Representative Land and Water Management Division REPLY: Dear Mr. Price: Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N, R10W, Sec 20; Montcalm County Your certified letter dated 12/17/97 has been handed to me to respond to. ... First of all, Mr. Ryan DeVries is not the legal landowner and/or contractor at 2088 Dagget, Pierson, Michigan - I am the legal owner and a couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of constructing and maintaining two wood "debris" dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond. While I did not pay for, nor authorize, their dam project, I think they would be highly offended you call their skillful use of natural building materials "debris." I would like to challenge you to attempt to emulate their dam project any dam time and/or any dam place you choose. I believe I can safely state there is no dam way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic. As to your dam request the beavers first must fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity, my first dam question to you is: are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers or do you require all dam beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam request? If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, please send me completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits. Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, ...being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws annotated. My first concern is - aren't the dam beavers entitled to dam legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said dam representation - so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer. The Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event causing dam flooding is proof we should leave the dam Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling them dam names. If you want the dam stream "restored" to a dam free-flow condition - contact the dam beavers - but if you are going to arrest them (they obviously did not pay any dam attention to your dam letter-being unable to read English) - be sure you read them their dam Miranda rights first. As for me, I am not going to cause more dam flooding or dam debris jams by interfering with these dam builders. In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their dam unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green, and water flows downstream. They have more dam right than I to live and enjoy Spring Pond. So, as far as I and the beavers are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more dam elevated enforcement action now. Why wait until 1/31/98? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then, and there will be no dam way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them then. In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention a real environmental quality (health) problem: bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the dam beavers alone. If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! (The bears are not careful where they dump!) Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office. Sincerely, Stephen L. Tvedten Editors note: Mr Tvedten has a website displaying continued correspondence. Thanks to http://www.lawhaha.com/ for bringing this to my attention. Monday 25 June 2007
Sunday 24 June 2007 Outraged lawyers react to Wigs should go jibe SWAG (Save Wigs and Gowns) a group of Commonwealth lawyers have reacted with outrage to Harry Mount’s comments in The Spectator that wigs should go. Referring to Mr Mount’s suggestion that wigs are “props supporting the high opinion of lofty other-worldliness that many barristers have of themselves”. Mr Fytit, a SWAG spokesman says “We tend to live in Islington rather than ivory towers nowadays and many of us are just poor humble servants to the Legal Aid Department. In a society where men shave their legs and woman show the cracks of their behinds with respect we think the Public have a real cheek to comment on our attire”. Mr Mount who says that wigs are “fancy dress”and “fogeyism”complains that as a new barrister he found it inconvenient “lugging”the wig and gown on the train. Mr Fytit dismisses this criticism speculating that “He probably wasn’t travelling first class”. As for Harry Mount’s personal loathing of wearing a wig, gown, stiff collar and tabs on hot days Mr. Fytit comments “What did he expect? Bermuda shorts? A sequined cat suit? The courts are not there to make Mr. Mount comfy they are for the serious business of dispensing justice. Judges and barristers are an essential part of that machine however ridiculous they may look (to Mr. Mount)”. Harry Mount refers to a new survey which says that 60% of the Public believe court dress is “anachronistic, intimidating and antiquated”. Mr. Fytit is unyielding “If defendants find it intimidating so much the better they can think of it as part of the punishment of getting caught up in the justice system in the first place”. Mr Fytit continues “Most members of the public have a fleeting cameo role in the courts whereas we must parade around Court our whole lives. Providing our garb is dignified why can’t we wear what we like?”. It is akin to a doctor’s white coat; Why white? Or those tight Lurex pants that cyclists wear. Motorists find them offensive and slightly ludicrous but we all put up with it don’t we? At least cyclist’s behinds are usually within an acceptable range which is not true of many barristers or judges as Mr. Mount will know if he has hung around Robing Rooms as often as he claims. Rather than used for conveying “superiority or solemnity”as Mount suggests gowns and wigs are a method to proudly cover the wobbling bellies and bald pats of the legal profession which bankers and accountants can only envy”. Lord Phillips, the Chief Justice of England and Wales will shortly decide if wigs are to stay. While Mr. Fytit would not be drawn on the membership of SWAG which is rumoured to include some high ranking judges and law makers he emphatically denies that Lord Phillips is a member of SWAG although he does say that the CJ is a “decent sort of cove who can be relied upon to do the right thing”. Harry Mount’s book “Mr. Brief Career: The Trials of a Young Lawyer”is published by Short Books.
Mr. Fytit concludes “Not short enough as far as I am concerned. If Mr. Mount’s outburst is just cheap promotion for his book, he’s not pulling the wool over my eyes”. Note: John Fytit is a regular contributor to the “Law & Disorder”Ezine.
Saturday 23 June 2007 This morning I was passed by a walker when jogging. Note to self: Quit or get help. Friday 22 June 2007 A car in the US struck a little girl. A crowd which attacked the driver killed the passenger who went to his aid.
People taking the law into their own hands must seem like a good idea at the time. There was the crowd in the UK who railing against paedophiles attacked the house of a paediatrician by mistake. Easily done. Thursday 21 June 2007 "They don't encourage reading in the police force they like to keep the paperwork to a minimum" Joe Orton Wednesday 20 June 2007 “Failure is more interesting than success however there is not much money in it” Paul Brennan Tuesday 19 June 2007 UGLY, LIKES TRAVEL, bit bald, n/s, 50, and beard but enough about you, call and let me tell you all about me. (Extract from this week's Lonely Hearts Column of The Spectator magazine under "Men Seeking Women"). Monday 18 June 2007 The recent survey by http://www.linkme.com.au/ found builders are seen as more attractive than lawyers as they work outside all day and are basically “cool”.
We should issue each lawyer a BlackBerry, stop estate planning lawyers issuing any public statement (or even appearing in public) and make it less easy for accountants to become lawyers. Sunday 17 June 2007 Yesterday, in Sydney I went to see the Dalai Lama and he was asked: “What is the meaning of life?”to which he replied “I don’t know”. That let’s the rest of us off pondering this for hours on end. I am sure a lawyer would have come up with something whether he knew or not. Saturday 16 June 2007 How did God make the world in six days? He didn't need a legal opinion.
Thursday 14 June 2007 We all get it wrong sometimes as seen in this newspaper report: “Instead of being arrested, as we stated, for kicking his wife down a flight of stairs and hurling a lighted kerosene lamp after her, the Reverend James Wellman died unmarried four years ago”.
Wednesday 13 June 2007
So Bob Woolmer was not murdered. Looking back it did seem a bit far fetched. I had a client who at 45 years with no criminal record was charged with rape and buggery of his 74 year old landlady. The evidence was overwhelming. After several months in jail we established she was lying and he was released into her arms. They had been lovers and during a drunken argument she had turned him into the police. It did seem a bit far fetched at the time. Tuesday 12 June 2007 Our
Cartoon Caption Competition closes on 1 July 2007. There has been a good
response so far.
Monday 11 June 2007 Pussycat in Court Q.
I have just changed lawyers and although satisfied with my choice, my wife tells
me that the man down the road says my new lawyer is a pussy cat in court. How
can I know if I have made the right choice? Any advice he gives me now will be
devalued with this slur standing against him? Will he be ready if I need him?
Should I change again?B.K of Toronto A. Stop changing lawyers all the time. It doesn’t do any good. Tell your lawyer that the man down the road said that he was a pussy cat in court. If he successfully sues the pants off this man for defamation then you not only have the satisfaction of proving your wife wrong but you also get to see him in action in court. If your wife gossips then the lawyer may sue her too. Serves her right. (Extract from "The International Legal Problem Page" blog where lawyer John Fytit solves your legal problems). Saturday 9 June 2007 My lawyer doesn't listen
(Extract from "The International Legal Problem Page" blog where lawyer John Fytit solves your legal problems). Friday 8 June 2007
When elderly people make wills I encourage a frank discussion about their children to see if there are any particular problems. Some people avoid the subject and say that they have normal children which I suspect means that they have been traumatized by the experience and can’t speak about it.
Adult children seem to range from competent and never call, to attentive, to “have trouble sitting the right way round on a toilet seat”. Some have already received more money that the other children, there are spendthrifts married to unreliable spouses, drunken womanising sons etc.
I usually advise against “ruling from the grave”(i.e. creating a trust to drip feed the money) unless there are medical reasons or a really serious issue. I feel it is better to spend it before you go (an increasingly popular option) or to divide it between the children equally and let them get on with it.
(An extract from “The Legal Guide to Dying”to be published by Paul Brennan) Thursday 7 June 2007
Before
launching any more insults listen to the law on defamation distilled into
a one minute sound bite. A must for cranky people with short attention
spans. Wednesday 6 June 2007
Did you ever wonder “what economists did all day?” See this link http://www.andyfoulds.co.uk/amusement/economists.htm.
There is a video on “What accountants do all day?”. But at 30 seconds it proved to be just too long. Tuesday 5 June 2007 Last week I received a fine compliment from a man with a lovely wife. He said that he kept my book on his bedside table. Mind you he does have a bad back.
If there are any others out there looking for something different in the bedroom at $19.95 it is a cheap night’s entertainment.
The Law is an Ass - make sure it doesn't bite yours! click here to order or click here to download a brochure.
Monday 4 June 2007 A short prison sentence tends to be somebody else’s one. At 45 days, Paris Hilton’s sentence a worry for her, her family and her good friends is comparatively short.
Twenty years ago, I was representing up to 5 defendants a day. My batting average was not that bad but with lost trials and bail applications lots of my clients were placed in custody.
Looking back, with some clients (murderers, bank managers etc.) it was a bit of a relief that they were not at liberty to critique my performance.
They didn’t seem to do “Paris Hiltons”in those days. Saturday 2 June 2007 The AFR's Hearsay reports that a client who sacked her lawyer, sued the law firm and represented herself at the hearing was sent to the cells on the second day of the trial for irritating the judge. The Queensland Court of Appeal while accepting that the case was "unprepared and hopeless" thought that the trial Judge was "often impatient and occasionally rude" displaying "ill temper". I don't know if they intended this as a criticism. Considering Judges have the power to send anyone to the cells for contempt of court I feel that they use it sparingly. I have only seen it once in the case of a lady who decided to sing her defence which I thought was fair enough although she seemed to be surprised. If business owners had that power as part of their "customer service" options I doubt that they would show the same restraint. Friday 1 June 2007 Breaking news: In England defendants will be forced to change their lawyers if the Judge believes they are causing delays in complex cases. It is an ancient right for defendants to have the lawyer of their choice however shambolic that lawyer may be. Lawyers will fight to the last man (or woman) to defend that right. Thursday 31 May 2007 If you are arrested and give a false name to the police they can charge you in that name even if it is obviously false. Your lawyer will apply in court to amend the charge sheet to your correct name. "Daffy Duck" is my personal favourite but don't let me influence you. Wednesday 30 May 2007 The Will of Well Known Wall Street Stock Broker
Anon
Tuesday 29 May 2007 A gay pub in Melbourne has won the right to ban heterosexuals. Do you believe that people should be barred from pubs on the grounds of their sexual orientation? Certainly not. We do, get out. Monday 28 May 2007 And now a word for our critics (yours and mine): Click here: It is not the critic who counts
Saturday 26 May 2007
Question: What does Mickey Mouse want for Christmas? Answer: A John Howard watch. In 1991 when I left Australia this was a joke, In 2003 I returned and John Howard was a successful PM. Friday 25 May 2007
However if, like me, you have a cat who on some nights refuses to use her cat trap and keeps waking you up. It could be a wonderful opportunity for revenge. (An extract from “The Legal Guide to Dying”to be published by Paul Brennan)
Thursday 24 May 2007 Banks must give you your money when you are alive but when you are dead it is a different matter. Even for a sum of say $1,000 it can be a long drawn out process Many relatives get round this by pretending that you are still alive and cheerfully draw money from your account. No mean feat for a grieving widow. There is no incentive for Banks to streamline their procedures whereas if you owed the Bank money on your death (which is the preferred option) they may see it differently. Now I know there is a lot to remember when you or someone close to you is dying but just remember this “Do not leave the money in the Bank account”. If you have no time yourself then give a relative a power of attorney so that they can slip out of the hospital, clear out your bank account and be back at your bedside without telling you, it is less painful that way. (An extract from “The Legal Guide to Dying”to be published by Paul Brennan)
Wednesday 23 May 2007 In Brazil, it has been found to be illegal to offer to sell your wife for sale on the internet as it is trading in body parts. An internet auction with a reserve of $50 was halted. In Australia, it is not illegal to offer to sell your spouse or partner through internet auction. The “body parts”issue does not arise unless you chop them up first. Tuesday 22 May 2007 The great thing about being a cleptomanic is that you can always take something for it.
Monday 21 May 2007 This advertisement appeared on the lonely hearts page of “The Spectator”last week.
“RATHER ABSENT MINDED recently retired high court judge, false-teeth, artificial leg but gsoh and loads of money, wltm charming lady for exciting surreal and interesting relationship maybe more”. You see, hair isn’t everything, women go for the fine legal mind too.
Saturday 19 May 2007 A research team in the US have discovered a cure for baldness in mice. Was this the same pioneering research team which discovered the cure for fear of flying in ducks? Bald men should not hold their breath but keep pushing the gold medallion, Hawaiian Shirt look and press on with dignity. Friday 18 May 2007 The Ministry of Defence wants to cull 3,000 kangaroos as they will starve due to the drought. According to my wife, Diane, the policy appears to be, “They’re gonna die, so we’re gonna kill ‘em”. Wait until Crocodile Dundee hears about this. The Defence Force is stretched and may be reluctant to open up a second front. Thursday 17 May 2007 An Eminent QC said yesterday that a lot of senior barristers were on cocaine. All I can say is that they are not taking enough. Wednesday 16 May 2007 The State of Victoria is paying $200,000 to bring an American expert duck shooter to Australia to teach Australian hunters how to shoot ducks more accurately. Killing rather than wounding is more humane (they didn't mention "missing"). Some tax payers (and ducks) might think that this is an incredible waste of other peoples money. I have always thought that "Finding your car keys" would make a very good training course. Finally it looks like the funds to spend on such things may be available. Please let me know of any other courses that state governments could offer. Tuesday 15 May 2007 Introducing a Humans Rights Act throughout Australia is becoming a talking point. Having been through this exercise in Hong Kong and then the UK it was a little bit like two pandas mating - expectations are high but the results are disappointing. The seminar business did very well. We all made a point of mentioning it in every court submission and whereever we could. But generally things went on as before. The Human Rights Act seemed to bring together a lot of cases concerning sex and violence. All right, I suppose if you are interested in that sort of thing. Monday 14 May 2007 If there is a grand plan behind speeding tickets over and above "Take this speed gun and get as many as you can" then most people would accept that. However are checkpoints being set up where it is easier to get caught rather than where there is an issue? For instance, wide roads where the speed limit unexpectedly reduces for no apparent reason would be a good place to catch people. However may not be statistically a place where accidents are likely to occur. Sunday 13 May 2007 Most people drive above the speed limit from time to time. Increasingly they are being caught. In the past I suspect that speeding tickets were given out sparingly because of the paperwork and time involved, including a court appearance. However now the brakes are off and it is just a paper exercise. The aim is to reduce accidents. Like votes for mothers it is a highly laudable one. However is it best achieved by winding us all up? Saturday 12 May 2007 “You making a will is not important at all. But ensuring that anyone who could remotely leave money to you makes their will. Now that’s important”. Paul Brennan
Friday 11 May 2007 The UK court case of Catherine Zeta Jones and Michael Douglas has finished costing millions and millions of dollars in legal fees. We now know that if an uninvited photographer sneaks into a wedding and takes unauthorized pictures if he then sells them to a magazine they can both be sued not only by the bride and groom but also by the magazine to which the couple promised exclusive pictures. According to leading lawyers this sets an important precedent e.g. barbecues. Some couples say they stay together because of the kids some because of the court case.
Thursday 10 May 2007 If you do not leave your money to your adult children (fairly equally or at all) your will is likely to be challenged. A popular form of challenge is to claim that you were not of sound mind. It is no bar to such a claim that your children sent you nuts, in the first place. Where I think this is a possible challenge I advise clients to have potentially controversial wills witnessed by their doctor. For more on wills listen to "the secret to a comfortable old age" at Brief Law for Busy People. Wednesday 9 May 2007 Often, it is the people who have been burnt in a previous business e.g. no partnership agreement, who want to ensure that they have legal documents in place when they start a new small business. In this month's Ezine I list the 5 basic documents that keep small businesses out of trouble. Click here to read the "Law and Disorder" Ezine. Tuesday 8 May 2007 In my practice deceased estate disputes are increasing. There is more money nowadays to argue about. People are living longer. They may decide to give their money to a worthy cause (or friend) rather than to their children. As the children usually consider the money their rightful inheritance it leads to disputes. One elderly man was going to strike his adult children from his will. He died before changing the will. The children spent the money on booze and women. He thought they would waste it. I have just released: One Minute Law: A Message to Mothers concerning their adult children Click here to watch the video clip. Click to read the press release warning adult children their inheritance is at risk Monday 7 May 2007 Many people would pay charities not to call on a Sunday. The college that I attended in the UK had a student "Rag Week" to collect money for charity. One year, students went to local shop keepers and said if they did not donate they would be subject to student pranks. A sort of adult “trick or treat”. The Police charged students with blackmail-“demanding money with menaces”. Sanity prevailed and the students eventually got off. Sunday 6 May 2007 Following the “Do not Call”legislation (see Saturday's blog). Charities have proposed changing their voluntary code so that they are allowed to call us at home on Sundays. Are there people who enjoy being called on a Sunday by charities? If so, could they not contact a charity (of their choice) on a day (of their choice) and promise to leave it all their money and then promptly snuff it? In these days of suicide bombers is this too much to ask? In fact, why don't they go to Bangalore and take a telesales centre with them. This would give us all a break. Saturday 5 May 2007
Australia is finally to have a "Do not Call register". To stop unsolicited sales telephone calls to your home click here to register. Charities, not for profit organisations and political parties are exempt. I guess the ""Do not Call (unless you are a political party, charity or not for profit organisation) Register" would be too long. However governments legislation could have an "Unexpected Consequences" Certificate so that the surprises could be explained up front. My wife registered immediately. With 4 teenage children, telephone calls for me are such a rare event, I may miss them. |
While
waiting for the AG the small talk turned from the AG’s
threat assessment, to wedding anniversaries (I share mine with
the local MP, Peter Slipper) to domestic violence.
Dear
John
To
my wife, I leave my lover, and the knowledge that I wasn’t the fool that
she thought I was.